Audio Angel
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SUBJECT : BLACK MYSTERY MONTH v.4 • BLOG POST 008 [02.26.20] A Lover & Personal Power & Big Brother Beat In the late summer of 1996, De La Soul & A Tribe Called Quest both released albums after a bit of a hiatus. At that point in Rashida’s life, her cassette of “De La Soul is Dead” was her co-ALL-TIME-FAVORITE (next to her forever fave, “Legacy” by Art of Noise.) And after being highly disappointed by De La’s “Buhloone Mind State” - she was overjoyed to feel in-tune with the new depths they were reaching for on “Stakes Is High”. It was like an old best friend who went away for good, somehow returned! So, Rashida would spend her late nights either on the phone with college friends playing the 2 albums and singing along with the lyrics or dancing by herself to them all around her sparsely furnished 1-bedroom apartment in Lakeland, Florida. She spent her afternoons into just past midnight working at her newer job as a Graphic Designer at The Lakeland Ledger. She was hired sans degree from Florida A&M University because she was quite talented and much more interested in making money than finishing school. She had pretty odd sleeping habits, pretty poor eating habits and though she loved dancing, it was her only physical activity. She was probably weighing close to 320 pounds by the Fall. It was more weight than she ever wanted to carry, yet it was normalized in a sense because she was used to it and everyone around her was as well. It was part of her identity. She wasn’t consciously depressed, and she still had a great deal of optimism and hope for life in general. She was always thinking she should take “better care of herself” but almost every time she’d try a different diet or start going to sleep earlier, it never really worked out. So she’d stop and would go back to her same habits. She was 22 years old. Around September, she had also developed another “interesting” habit. On nights where she was particularly bored or lonely, she started using the local(ish) phone sex lines. Well, SHE didn’t… Jenny did. She very rarely felt “sexual” when she would enter into this world, yet she knew it was a way to get attention from men and she was always told she had “a great voice”… so she began to use it to get what sometimes could feel like love. It was also a big act in a sense. Jenny could do, say and BE whomever she wanted! She rarely told anyone what she looked like in real life, she didn’t have to. Unless things became more serious and discussions of meeting became a reality. This happened a few times. And it was at the end of September that she met a man who become her lover on the phone and in real life as well. We’ll call him Lover. Rashida began to meet with Lover for dinners and movies, but mainly, the two found themselves enjoying each other’s company and talking. He was quite a bit older than Rashida, early 40’s and Italian. Through their differences, they found many similarities and interests. Music, of course and psychology. “What makes people the way they are… can that be changed…” this kind of thing. They found it very easy to communicate and both began to care for each other more deeply than expected in that first month. One night after working, Rashida found herself watching the infomercials. 3am, exhausted, yet wired and dreamy. She was always moved to tears by the one with the big motivational speaker dude who used Tina Turner’s “Simply The Best” to get people hyped up. It seemed like a miraculous kind of thing to do. To go to a self-help seminar and be all empowered and shit. Who gets to do that, she wondered? They made her feel like maybe she could, but HOW? It may have been a few days later when Lover called to share some interesting news. He explained that the social work agency he was working for was gifted 2 tickets for the upcoming Tony Robbins’ Seminar. In November, it was coming to Orlando, about 45 minutes away from her. He had read a book of his and wished he could offer the ticket to Rashida because he had a feeling it would be a great thing for them to do together. But the tickets had to be for staff members and many were excited to go. So, they agreed that he would go and when he came back, he’d share ALL that he could with her. Rashida was very excited for him. It was almost like she was going and she was good with that. As November arrived, Lover shared that the person who was scheduled to go with him decided to bow out to go to a golf tournament instead. So the ticket was going to the next person in line, a woman from one of their satellite offices. The event was from Friday to Monday. On the Wednesday before it, Lover still hadn’t gotten a confirmation. Rashida could feel it, but was nervous to get excited. He said he left her a message on her answering machine saying she had until Thursday morning to confirm or else he had be passing the ticket on to his “intern” … Rashida! She never got back him and the next day, Rashida found herself in a sea of excited attendees, overwhelmed at what she had dreamed was possible and where she now was. On the very first night, they were to split up from anyone they may have come with, asked to find a new “partner” and prepare for the Firewalk Experience. Rashida had heard a few stories of this walking-on-hot coals-thing, but didn’t really believe people were doing it and was pretty damn sure she wasn’t going to either. But she would play along. Tonight’s lesson was all about the power of Decisions and how the Firewalk can encourage breakthroughs in that area. Tony coached them on how to do it. How to get into a PEAK STATE and then… WALK THROUGH their fears. It was all about the mental state. She spotted Lover’s eyes way across the room, they both had doubts, but shrugged and kept going with it. She and her new partner lined up with ALL the other event attendees. People were stoked, terrified, crying, whooping and hollering like… YEAH… I did it! This is Amazing! Rashida smiled and cheered THEM on, while inside, she was like… OH HAIILLLLLLL NO! “I’m not gonna be the only one who leaves here on a stretcher with Burnt-Ass-FEET!!! But, I’ll pretend I’m gonna ALLL THE WAY until I have to turn around and go back…” But…Nobody was turning back. Time was running out. The line kept getting closer … to the fire pit… and Rashida had to TRULY decide. As she got to the last possible point to turn back, She was at the front of the line…one of the staff members asked her what she was truly afraid of (other that burning off her damn feet)… and tears welled up, because she said, “If I do this… SOMETHING I’M TERRIFIED TO DO… there’s nothing I can bullshit myself that I’m MORE AFRAID OF AGAIN!” They heard her out. They reassured her of the safest way to do it and that they believed she was ready. And after all the pretending, doubting and denying that even SHE could do this…something in Rashida agreed. She did it. And She hollered and screamed and cried…because she knew, in that moment, She had changed the course of her life forever. The next days’ focus was on using the new bolder decision making skills to DESIGN the next 1, 5 & 10 years of her life. Rashida felt inspired and a bit more confident to let her mind play with this. 1997 felt wide open and she began to write down what her journal entry might be in November of 1997. She wrote of living in San Francisco, working as voice over actor and owning her own roller coaster. She wrote of being in love and feeling beautiful and strong in her body. She wrote about winning Oscars and Grammys. She wrote about singing onstage with Billy Joel. Rashida and Lover completed the weekend. They were both very different than when they first arrived. In positive ways overall, yet they both knew, life would literally, never be the same. Which was Tony’s musical anthem for the weekend - Thanks, Haddaway! They continued seeing each other, but by February of 1997, things began to shift and they were more friends than lovers. Also by then, Rashida had lost 30 pounds (she actually lost it all in January because of Tony’s 30-in-30 plan… which she would never recommend for someone who carried as much weight as she did at the time - and that’s another story). By March, she had saved up enough to do the next training workshop with Tony and made plans to attend a 9-day seminar in Southern California. By April, she realized, she could either take the 9-days off and keep doing something she was great at, but didn’t fully love or she could quit her job, move to San Francisco, start to take classes in Voice Acting and figure the rest out after the seminar in early May. She continued studying and learning and playing with these new techniques to help her “Live Her Dreams” and by December 1997 - from her bedroom in her San Francisco apartment, she wrote this in her journal: 3:56 am 12/3/97 Weds. Oh Lord. Chile Please. I’m all shaky, just been crying and freakin’ out all night. It happened. SHIDA TO SIGN WITH LOOK TALENT!!! YaHooooligans! Dude, the way it happened was so brilliant. She rocks hard core and she is the best. It’s so beautiful. (“she” is my former agent) She brought the perfect scripts for me to showcase the talent dude. The girls in class were all winking at me tonight, it was a slightly weird vibe. Funny. So sleepy. I LOVE YOU. YOU ARE BECOMING THE BEST! *Black Mystery Month comes from the idea that Black History Month can also include the mysterious stories of *who* Black people really are - not only the ones who “made history”. So, throughout this month, I’ve decided to share 4 stories of me and my experiences being a “Black Mystery”. I think I made it up, but I didn’t take the time to google if anyone else has coined this idea.